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You: And that guy didn't even know where China is on the map. The guy is such a... [Here you pause.]
Other person: Idiot.
You: ...idiot, right. I was thinking to myself, "Wow, if I were that guy, I would really feel... feel..." [You pause again.]
Other person: Humiliated.
You: ...humiliated, exactly. What an idiot!
4. Memorize a lot of hesitation and qualifying phrases. These are phrases like, "Oh, how can I put it?...", "Perhaps I can put it this way...", and "Oh, what should I say?..." This will give you time to think of responses and to recall rusty vocabulary items. The listener doesn't know what's going on inside your head, and he or she will think you really are searching through your vast vocabulary, looking for that perfect word that will accurately express the complex subtlety of your brilliant thought.
5. Avoid subtlety. Give simple, black-and-white answers to questions, regardless of the complexity of your true opinion. If someone asks, "What did you think of the movie?", you may be thinking something like "Well, the cinematography was fabulous, natural-light interior shots with exquisite Vermeer-like shades of luminous white -- a pastel symphony!" and so on. Would you be able to express all that in fluent English? Of course not. Forget it. Instead you should respond with something like, "Oh, how can I put it?... Just so-so. Just okay. I liked Titanic better." The listener won't have any idea what you really thought of the movie, but will be impressed with the casual ease with which you express your opinions in English, and will also be impressed that you know phrases like "just so-so.".
Okay, that's about all. This should give you a good start. Remember this important principle in life: the appearance of ability is more important than actual ability itself. If they think you can do it, you've got the job. If they don't think you can do it, it doesn't matter what your actual ability is. So learn to fake it, and you'll go much further than your hard-working friends.
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